Self Development and Relationships
When I started my journey into conscious self development I set out on that course because I wanted to improve my life. I wanted to improve the person I was becoming and I wanted to continuously grow in every area of my life. There was hope for a better future, better relationships, more success, more happiness and achievement. I believe that if I could grow in all these areas of my life, I could obtain all the things I ever wanted out of life and ultimately achieve a feeling of fulfillment.
Those were all great ideals, but often times the fantasy is better than the reality. I’m not saying I made a mistake setting out in that direction because that’s far from the truth. The topic I want to discuss today is based upon quality problems. Issues that arise as a result of progress. Specifically, when you set out to improve yourself, improve your life and grow as an individual, you are starting down a path that the majority of people will never travel. And as you proceed down that path eventually you will progress towards self actualization.
The closer we become to being self actualized, the more out of touch we become with average. We eventually end up here, if you look at the arrow on this normal distribution curve.
Awesome! We are more self actualized than mostly everyone else! Sounds good doesn’t it? Well it definitely has it’s advantages, but it can be lonely on top. Speaking from experience, when you put a massive amount of effort into becoming educated, working hard and growing a career, getting into optimal physical shape, constantly reading, exposing yourself to new ideas, internalizing powerful concepts, developing a strong sense of self awareness, becoming self confident, growing your social network, becoming involved with numerous hobbies and interests, traveling when you have the opportunity, intelligently managing your finances and having a nice balance of socializing you are going to become a very different person than most of your peers.
Unless your blessed with an amazing social circle of people on a similar path, you will probably realize that your perspective on life is much different than that of most people you come into contact with. Your values will also vary drastically. You may find yourself having a discussion about whatever and you start giving some insight you have on the topic and noticing the blank stare you’re getting in return while the person looks at you as if you’re speaking a foreign language.
This isn’t meant to be some self righteous post, claiming that those with an interest in improving themselves are some how better than everyone else. The point I’m making, based upon my own personal experience is that when you make an effort to improve yourself consistently, over time, you eventually DO improve yourself. And when that happens you will reach a point where it’s harder to identify with people with much more low level issues in life.
A lot of people my age are self absorbed, insecure and totally oblivious to what causes these types of thought processes and behaviors. Let me restate that; a lot of people IN GENERAL have these issues. They’ve never examined themselves, their beliefs, their insecurities, values and subconscious ways of thinking that cause these behaviors. If something is completely outside your awareness, you don’t know it exists. And if you don’t know something exists you can’t change it.
This is why I have so many friends with dysfunctional relationships. They’ll end up with someone out of scarcity. They’re afraid to be alone, they’re afraid they won’t meet anyone else, they’re afraid they’re getting too old to start over or to meet some ridiculous time line they’ve created. So they stick with someone they’re not totally satisfied with, but who they’re comfortable with, and who they know they can tolerate, for the time being.
Eventually their true feeling come out. They’re not happy and even if they wont acknowledge is consciously, they begin to lash out. The little things begin to add up and they cannot repress their true feelings forever and that’s when the fighting, arguing and irritability start coming threw. But if the insecurities still aren’t addressed and they don’t face their irrational fears, they may just carry on this way forever. It’s no way to live.
Also common in these situations are jealousy, attempts to control, starting fights and drama just to feel wanted or for attention, overcompensating for lack of self confidence with a contrived stuck up attitude, the constant need for validation outside of the relationship, to whatever extent that person requires and many other forms of abuse that you can typically see on reality television, or in the lives of those close to you.
When you address these issues, when you understand the root of them and you eliminate them from your life all together, you begin to have minimal tolerance of these traits in other people. You can see right through it because you’ve already identified it within yourself and took the necessary action to change. If you see someone who has yet to do that, to you it’s extremely trivial and childish. It can also be repulsive and drive you away.
This example may have been taken somewhat to an extreme but I honestly don’t believe it’s too far of a stretch. The point is, when you improve yourself and when you evolve past these low level issues you begin to function at a higher level of consciousness than most other people. Because the majority of people you encounter haven’t walked the path you’re on, haven’t put in the effort, faced their flaws head on and improved, it may become hard for you to really find relationships and friendships that are completely satisfying to your needs.
In a sense, by committing to growth and change, you will isolate yourself more and more the further you progress on your journey. Your concerns with higher conscious, deep thinking will be totally outside the reality of most. They can’t even begin to understand thoughts and ideas on that level. How can you discus long term thinking, gaining fulfillment through the process of life itself as opposed to bench mark goals, internal validation, detachment from outcomes, controlling your emotions, being present to the moment, avoiding resistance, creating constructive change in the world, understanding the issues and limitations of language, the fact that words are labels which oversimplify and generalize each unique situation and can be used to manipulate the way we think, world politics, the meaning of life, or ANYTHING beyond their basic needs, pop culture, and short term nonsense?
By developing yourself you will begin to realize that you’re out their on your own. There are others like you but they’re few and far between. You can help guide those around you to the path, but you cannot force them to walk it, or expect them to be as passionate as you are about it. Not everyone is willing to exert themselves and not everyone will value the same things you do. If you can relate to this than you probably value knowledge, learning, person growth, living life to the fullest and above all else, you value YOURSELF. You love yourself to want the most out of life, to learn as much as you can and live the highest quality life you’re able to achieve for yourself.
These values are what drive your behavior and fuel you with the energy needed to constantly go the extra mile. Is it really such a bad thing to isolate yourself in this way? It may be frustrating at times, but when you find those like yourself, you’ll realize it’s worth it and you’ll fully appreciate what they have to offer. One of my biggest struggles is finding a relationship because I can’t identify with someone who is so far behind me in their journey. Immature, insecure behavior is a huge turn off. I want someone who’s on the same path I am, with similar values and aspirations in life. How am I supposed to have a relationship with someone who is content with doing the bare minimum and coasting by in life?
There is such a huge contradiction in values and desires that it’d never work. And I could never feel attracted to someone like that in the first place. Going back to the normal distribution curve, when you make it to the upper end, you’re in a much smaller pool than the masses and it becomes harder to find what your looking for. While they’re experiencing scarcity mentality in a pool of abundance when it comes to people on their level, we experience a more real sense of scarcity. But even though the numbers are smaller, the population is so large that no matter what, quality people who work to be in that top percentile will always be in abundance.
No matter how much you may struggle to find them, they are out their. And you can never categorize a person the way I’ve done it to make my point here. That’s an oversimplification. People have many different positive qualities, unique strengths and forms of value to offer. You just have to know what particularly you’re looking for, and what you need to make you happy in life. Depending on where you’re at, maybe you need to be alone to focus on your own personal development.
I’ve certainly walked away from potential relationships at times for that exact reason. I know that I can become stagnant if I get too comfortable with a relationship, so if there’s something I’m working on that requires me to be alone to maintain my drive, then that’s exactly what I’ll do.
At the moment I’d say I’m beyond that and ready to find a relationship that adds value to my life. In my experience, quality has been hard to come by. I’ve always stuck to my values and standards and refuse to settle. It’s just not an option and never will be.
You can’t control the kind of people you come in contact with. You never know who you’ll meet and what they’re all about until after a fair amount of time spent getting to know one another. There are no guarantees in life so don’t expect your Hollywood happy ending. Reality differs from the movies and we are constantly subjected to the chaos of the present moment. You’ll never know what the future may, or may not hold.
I’ve always made an effort to detach my emotional state from any outcome that may occur when approaching women or dating. You can’t control another persons reaction to you, and if you’ve made an effort to become a better person and they still reject you for whatever reason, it’s usually their problem, not yours. Freeing yourself from outcome dependency enable you to act on your intentions freely, without any concern for what others may think.
Recently I realized that although I’m detached from the outcome in individual circumstances, in the long term I had an outcome I was reaching for/waiting on. That being a relationship. This was an outcome I was expecting to just eventually come along because if I meet enough people, it was bound to happen statistically right?
Like I already said, there are no guarantees in life and you can’t control the quality, values and personalities of the people you meet. Do I believe I’ll eventually find a relationship? Most likely. But you should never be chasing outcomes, or have an agenda. Just live life and if you live your way into meeting someone you feel you’d want to be with, then worry about it. Until it’s right in front of you, don’t be concerned with it. Are those your own values and desires, or have they been dictated to you through social conditioning and the media?
If you never saw all those Hollywood movies, Disney love stories and goofy cartoons at an early age and throughout your entire life, would you have any of these delusional fantasies and expectations?
Take a look at your past experience and the experience of those around you. Is a relationship ever the be all, to end all happy ending you think it will be for anyone you know? No, it’s no better or worse than being single. It’s just different. For some people they may enjoy it and get a lot out of it. For others, it may not be worth the trouble it brings.
And if you’re with someone who hasn’t worked on becoming a better person and growing as an individual, you’ll probably end up dealing with more insecure, childish drama than you can handle. If you’re internally validated and not the desperate, needy, clingy, codependency, unhealthy insecure type, you won’t tolerate that for more than two seconds.
Apparently I had a lot to get off my chest on this subject matter. I feel I made my point and a lot of quality content was produced. Often times life is whatever you believe it to be. If you stay positive and expect good things to come, they will. Just stay rooted in what you know logically and don’t let your emotions mislead you.
And that’s all for tonight. I’ve gotta get some sleep. Work in the morning and I’ve already stayed up later than I’d hoped writing this lengthy post.
I’m out! Goodnight!